I hate how I am slowly turning into the kind of person I said I would never ever be. I just woke up realizing that I am on my way to becoming the person I said I hated. And it sucks to find myself enjoying.
I am really grateful to keep this blog for years because if not I could’ve forgotten forever that I had the position of peace officer way back in high school. And how I really did enjoy it. It was really a good decision not to deactivate this blog.
But I have this attitude of hating to read old posts of mine maybe because I feel really ashamed of myself after reading. So, instead of leaving this account and creating a new one, I ended up deleting more than half of my posts here. Especially those three years ago posts. From 197 pages this blog is down to having 84 pages!
It’s not that I hate the world, it’s just that I would like to disconnect myself from all of you every once in a while. I’d rather stay inside the four corners of my dark room. I crave silence and solitude. I’d like to get lost with my own thoughts until I find my way back to reality. I can not talk to anyone because interacting feels like performing and I can not be your perfect little girl right now. At least, I can’t force myself to pretend anymore. I’d rather succumb myself with misery rather than putting up a facade that I am okay because I am not. I haven’t been okay for the past three years and now I am asking this moment from you to leave me alone with myself. You never even cared anyway.